Runaways
by Cats070911
Summary: Tommy has retreated to Howenstowe but when he is summonsed back to London after Barbara disappears he knows his actions have pushed her beyond forgiveness. She has done everything to ensure she is not found and whilst Winston and Stuart fear for her sanity they all know the only person who can find her is Tommy, if only he can confront his mistakes.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply.

* * *

Tommy Lynley drove as fast as he deemed would be safe from the radar guns of pimply faced officers out to impress their station bosses. Nanrunnel to London was a long drive by British standards but he was now past Bristol and could relax slightly on the larger motorways. Every few miles he thumped his steering wheel and cursed his cowardice and stupidity.

He drove straight to the pub where his newly promoted sergeant, Winston Nkata, had asked him to meet him. Parking was scarce so he pulled his Police sign from his glovebox and parked in a Loading Zone. Technically he was still in the force but this was certainly not a police investigation.

Winston looked dour. He refused to shake Lynley's hand and greeted him with a undertone of bitter sarcasm. "Inspector."

"Winston, thank you for meeting me."

Nkata led him to a quiet table at the rear. Stuart Lafferty, the police pathologist, glared up at him as Tommy sat down. "We met here, publicly, because Winston knew I would punch your sorry lights out if we met anywhere else. Even the sight of you sickens me."

Tommy had not expected Stuart to be there and he had certainly not anticipated the vitriol but he could understand it, especially if Barbara had told them about that night. "I understand Stuart. Every time I see myself in the mirror I want to punch myself. Point is do you know anything?"

"Only the basics. She waited for you. She told me she was giving you two weeks to ring or come back. She never said what happened but she was a different person. She just waited."

"She never said anything about leaving?" Tommy could not believe Barbara would just disappear.

"Nothing. She waited another week without mentioning you or how she was feeling. Then on Friday afternoon she went to Hillier and resigned. She has several weeks of holidays owing apparently so she handed in her warrant card and her phone, took four weeks leave to cover her notice period and left."

Tommy ran his fingers through his hair then downed half of the pint Winston had bought him. "And she said nothing to either of you? No clues at all?"

"Not a thing," Winston said, "I knew she wasn't herself so on Monday I thought she had taken a few days off to get her head together. Then yesterday Hillier told us she had resigned with immediate effect. Of course I knew it was your fault because of the way she had waited for you. At first I thought maybe you had come back; swept her off her feet and run away together or something. I went round to her house but she wasn't there. The neighbour said she moved out on the weekend and it's up for lease. That's when I thought she must be moving in with you so I went there. That butler of yours was very polite but quite confused. I knew he wasn't lying, especially when I pulled my warrant card and threatened to arrest him for obstructing the police."

"No wonder Denton was frantic when he rang Mother."

Stuart looked at him. "So where is she?"

"I have no idea. I have tried to ring her but her voicemail is full and if she has given in her phone she won't receive them."

Stuart snorted angrily. "Barbara's whole life was her career and you! The only real friends she has in the world are all around this table and we have no idea where she is or if she's still alive."

"Still alive?" Tommy had not even considered the possibility of her killing herself but he could understand if she did. He had wanted to, many times, but she was braver and capable. "Oh Stuart, no!"

"All because you broke her heart by leaving."

"I...I didn't mean to," Tommy stammered, "I had no idea she'd react so...intensely."

Stuart's antagonism was palpable. "Even now you expect her to just be waiting for you to sort yourself out. Good old Havers, she'll always be there to take whatever you dish out. Well this time it seems she's had enough."

"What did she tell you?" Tommy asked them, fearing that they knew about that night.

Winston looked up from his beer. "Nothing really but I presume it must have been one hell of a fight. All she said was that she had been wrong to believe in you."

Tommy groaned loudly. "She can believe in me. I was the one who couldn't."

"Really? She told me she had wasted ten years holding onto a lie," Stuart added, "it made no sense but when I pressed her all she said was that at the time you most needed to tell her the truth you had lied to her and used her. I've never seen such pain in her eyes. They looked lifeless; like my cadavers. She looked like she had absolutely no reason to live."

Tommy ran his hands through his hair and groaned. "She had me. She's always had me."

"Evidently not," Stuart said shaking his head. "I would never have thought it of Barbara but look at facts. You both go to that swanky police dinner. She looked radiant on your arm. She had taken a lot of trouble to dress up and be a suitable escort for you. The way you looked at her I thought you finally had seen Barbara the woman but then you have a fight. You run off with your tail between your legs and can't even ring her. She waits for you to do something then realises you have no intention of it so she takes leave, sells her car and rents her flat out. Where's she gonna go? London is all she knows."

"She sold her car too?" This was more complicated than he thought.

"Yes and filed her tax return," Winston added. "I shouldn't have but I ran a check on her credit card today. She's paid it in full and not spent anything else. So I checked her bank account - no activity since Wednesday when she took out everything but one hundred pounds from a branch in Camden. She probably knows we'd check eventually."

Tommy started to shake. "Oh good god!"

Winston continued to outline his checks. "There's been no activity on her passport. I've got it flagged to alert me. Wherever she is she's still here in mainland Britain."

"If she's hurt herself," Stuart hissed, "your brother had better be ready to become Ninth Earl because I _will_ kill you."

"I'll save you the trouble," he replied. Once Denton had informed him this morning that she was missing Tommy had rung everyone he could think of in an attempt to find her. He knew it was his fault. He should never have left her like that but how could he possibly have explained all the emotions raging inside him?

Winston put his hands up between them. "That won't help. We need to find her. Chances are if she intended to harm herself we're too late but if she has just disappeared then the Inspector is the only one who can find her."

"I rang Fiona Knight but she hadn't heard from her," Lynley said soberly. "I stopped at the Aikido Dojo as I drove here but they denied she was there. I'll drive down to the coast to the caravan park tomorrow then up to Balford-le-nez. After that I am out of ideas. If she's left me she won't go anywhere I will be able to find her."

"What if she hasn't left you?" Winston pondered, "what if this is your last chance? What if she's testing your loyalty once and for all?"

"No," Tommy shook his head, "not after what I did to her."

"Did to her?"

Tommy sighed; the truth would come out eventually. "We didn't fight that night but I hurt her badly."

Winston and Stuart stared at him. "Physically?"

"No! I'd never do that Winston. Never!"

"And whatever you said was that bad she left?"

He nodded. "I couldn't handle the situation. I made a mess of everything, ruined our friendship then I just left." Tommy could not look at them.

"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! What on God's earth did you say? Did you speak to her before you went to Cornwall?"

Tommy shook his head. "It's complicated Stuart. You couldn't understand unless you had been... I thought Barbara and I...it doesn't matter. I went that morning. I never spoke to her again."

Stuart threw his glass into the fireplace. It shattered into thousands of sharp shards that ricocheted around their feet. "Find her!," he roared at Tommy. "Fix it or let her cut off your balls and shove them down your throat until you choke!"

"Stuart!" Winston warned.

Lafferty stood and grabbed Tommy's jacket. "Oh, I forgot, after everything's she's done for you, you can't do either because you've been so wrapped up in yourself that you haven't got any idea where she's gone and you haven't got any balls!" Stuart shoved him roughly against the back of his chair then walked angrily out of the pub.

Winston looked at Tommy with undisguised hatred. He knew he had lost the last shreds of Nkata's respect. "How could you Sir? She would have forgiven anything if you'd talked to her. She always understood you even when everyone else thought you'd gone mad. You should have come back or rung her. She must hate you now to have left like this. That'll be what will kill her. I don't think she can live with hating you, not after all your cases together, everything you've endured by each other's side."

"It wasn't like that Winston. It wasn't like that at all."

"Well if it smells like a fish..."

"I love her!"

"Yeah? We all thought you did. We thought that for years but you have a funny way of showing it then but you're telling the wrong person. Find her Sir or it'll destroy you too."

When Tommy looked up he was alone. He drove to his house and packed a small bag of essentials then showered and changed. It was only ten o'clock so he made a list of people to ring the following morning. If Barbara was hiding from him then she might have accomplices. He made a decision to drive via Fiona's house just in case. If she had confided her plans to anyone it would probably have been her."

He remembered he had promised to ring his mother. He glanced at his watch then poured a large scotch before dialling. "Hello Mother, it's me."

"Any news about Barbara?"

"Nothing substantial." Tommy outlined all he knew omitting his possible role in it.

"Tommy, it's none of my business but when you came here I knew something serious had happened. When you didn't hear from her or ring her I gathered Barbara was at the centre of it all. Now I know I was right. You two were so close. What happened?"

Tommy groaned but he needed to tell someone. "It's all my fault." He confessed everything to her. "So you see, I think she hates me."

"Oh Tommy, how could you? To Barbara of all people. You have to find her Son, for your own sanity as much as for hers."


	2. Chapter 2

The small stone cottage that was now her home was world's apart from her life in London. When she had seen it she had been instantly smitten by its rustic charm. The simple lines of the centuries-old farmhouse were accentuated by the boldness of its blue front door and the white shuttered windows that looked across the verdant meadow to the sea. The yellow lichen that grew in-between the roof slates implied stability and resilience; characteristics that she needed.

The salty tang to the air and a prickle to the breezes that blew up the hill allowed Barbara to imagine herself cocooned in the house as storms raged up from the Celtic Sea. She would nestle safely in front of the fire place that dominated the main room and ignore the world.

The cottage had electricity but few other creature comforts yet she felt instantly at home. Its small kitchen had a wood stove that took her three days to master well enough to boil an egg but she had a functioning toaster and jug and a microwave to heat the cardboard boxes of pre-prepared meals she had stored in the large chest freezer in the small utility room. There was even a surprisingly large, modern television in the corner and two comfortable chairs big enough for her to curl up in with a warm cup of tea as she watched the nightly soaps.

The bedroom was quaint with an iron-posted bed covered in a thick, handmade quilt. It squeaked when she rolled over but it was not as if she was sharing it with anyone who might be disturbed and the noise served to wake her from her worst nightmares. There had been a larger cottage available further around the bay but it had an outside bathroom. She was happy to have a different lifestyle but she was too much of a city girl not to have an inside toilet.

Abandoning your life is not a step taken lightly. Barbara never thought of it as running away. She was just hitting pause until she knew what she wanted to do. Despite the fears of her colleagues she had never contemplated killing herself. She just wanted to escape to a place where the past was known only to her and where the only person who might find her would be Tommy. She was not hiding as such, she had simply moved to a place only he might think of looking. It was not as if she was intentionally setting a trap or a puzzle for him but if he cared enough about her, if there was any truth in their friendship over the last ten years he would be able to locate her. If not then she would wait until her six month lease expired then decide her future.

It was late afternoon when she stood by the cliff edge overlooking the pulsing grey sea. The lights of Nanrunnel winked slowly to life in the distance. Between her vantage and the village Tommy's vast estate was laid out. If she walked up the hill a little further she could use her binoculars to see the driveway of Howenstowe and some of the rooms of the house. On Sunday she had seen him ride up onto the cliffs on the other side of the estate. Even through her old binoculars she could see he sagged in his saddle as if he had the weight of the universe pressing down on him. She had smiled hoping it was his concern for her but she knew it was not. No one would even know she had left yet. That night she had tried to find Tommy's room but the heavy curtains and swaying trees made it hard for her pinpoint it. Still it was vaguely comforting to know he was there. She still needed him, it was just that he was not prepared to be there for her any more.

She was not angry with him. He had certainly shocked her by running away but she could never hate him for it. She just could not face being with him day after day and pretending everything was as it had been. That night had changed everything and Tommy had made it clear that she was not as important to him as his life as Lord Asherton. What she struggled to understand was why it had even needed to be a choice.

She did not bother surveying the windows tonight. She had seen the maroon Jensen speed away this morning and knew Tommy was headed to London. She could imagine that Winston had called him. They would know by now she had sealed off Barbara Havers and vanished. She had carefully ensured that they would know it was deliberate and that she was not the victim of foul play. She had also made sure it looked permanent. And it was, unless Tommy found her hiding right under his nose and they could mend the damage. She wanted that, more than anything, but he would have to understand how much he had hurt her. It was almost beyond her forgiveness.

Of course she had rented the house on his estate under a false name but one he would recognise if he looked hard enough. She had bought an old secondhand car for cash and she was not planning to shop in Nanrunnel. She would drive weekly the other direction towards St Ives. It was three times the distance but it meant being spotted accidentally was unlikely. She felt as if she were in control, unlike the night Tommy had left. She had been too distraught to cry. He had left her feeling hollow. All those years she had been there for him he had used her. He was selfish, arrogant and childish but she still adored him, possibly even more now. She hated what he had done to her but she could never hate him. Love was a strange and unfathomable emotion that clung desperately to her.

* * *

What passed for sleep was more like a serial of nightmarish possibilities and recollections of that fateful night. Tommy knew deep in his heart Barbara was safe and he had to hold onto that belief. If he let that waver he would fall into the abyss that was only one bottle away. Barbara was above all else a survivor but for her to have walked away from everything she knew told him how much he had hurt her. And that was the irony - he had been trying to protect her, to love her the best way he knew. That night had been too much. He had been a coward. He had failed her. He had ripped a moment of pure wonder into shreds of remorse and regret. He suspected she hated him but it could never match how much he loathed himself.

At first light he showered. He would be in Kent but seven. If Barbara was with Fiona she would never expect him to arrive that early. On the way he rang Winston and Stuart but neither of them had heard anything more. He hesitated but then dialled Hillier. "Good morning Sir."

"Lynley? It's only just gone six. What's happened?"

"I believe Sergeant Havers resigned on Friday. She appears to have rented out her flat and disappeared. Some of us are quite worried. I wondered if she gave you any idea of what she might have had planned."

"I see. What do you have planned Inspector?"

Tommy was taken aback. "I'd like to track her down Sir. We have...unfinished business."

"I meant about your service. You say nothing at all then leave for Cornwall the day after the Annual Memorial Ball and phone me to take indefinite leave. Three weeks later your partner resigns. I must admit at first I thought she was going to you but she abruptly corrected me. I don't know what happened between you that night but my two best detectives have run off to hide from each other leaving everyone in the city free to murder each other at will. I'm not happy Tommy, not in the slightest. I expected more from both of you."

"Sir, with respect, it's not that simplistic. I did not run and hide in Cornwall and if Havers had wanted to find me she knew where I was."

"But now she has run away and you don't know where."

Tommy grumbled his reluctant agreement. "Yes Sir. I would like your help."

He heard Hillier's voice soften. "She just said she needed time away from the force. I processed her request as twelve months leave of absence so I've left it open for her to return. She didn't give me any indication of leaving London or an intention to disappear. I really did assume you two had something planned. I was angry with you both and she knew I was unhappy about it. If I'd known there was something wrong...well I would have asked more. She can be a thorny woman at times but she's grown into a fine officer. I regret that she's left. I'm sorry Tommy but I can't be of any help."

"Thank you Sir, I appreciate your time. If for any reason she does contact you or sends a forwarding address can you please let me know?"

"I will and if you find her I hope you sort whatever it is out. I know that you mean a lot to each other." Tommy thanked him and hung up. Sir David occasionally had a heart.

He stealthily circuited Fiona Knight's house three times before he marched to the door. He was confident that he would see if Barbara tried to escape out the back door. He knocked loudly and continued to knock until the door swung open.

"Tommy, what in the hell are you doing here at this hour?" Fiona was dressed in an ill-fitting dressing gown that exposed her purple pyjamas.

Lynley barged past her. "Looking for Barbara."

"Tommy I told you I haven't heard from her. Search the place if you like."

As Tommy looked in the kitchen and then started opening the hall cupboards Fiona's young son came wandering from his room dragging a dirty polar bear. "Mummy?"

Tommy froze in his tracks. The bear was the one that had once been strapped into the back seat of his car when Barbara had bought it as a gift and they had driven down from London one Sunday. He was behaving irrationally. He sank onto the sofa and put his head in his hands. "Oh Fiona, I'm sorry."

"Is the man crying Mummy?"

"No, he's fine. Why don't you take Iceman and go watch the cartoons. I'll be in soon." The small boy glanced at Tommy again then ran.

Fiona sat next to him on the sofa. "Why has she disappeared Tommy?" she asked softly, "you looked so happy together at the Memorial Ball. I thought you might both have finally found what you needed. Did you two have a row?"

He shook his head. Tommy sighed; the truth would come out eventually. "We didn't fight that night, quite the opposite."

"Opposite?"

"I took her home to Camden and I kissed her. We'd never...let ourselves be close like that before. There had always been a line, a safety net, but I changed the rules."

"I can't believe Barbara would have packed up and left her life because of a kiss! Did she object? I would have thought she'd have gone for it. Oh Tommy you didn't...force her did you?"

"No! I did not force her in any way. Why do people think that? I made love to her! We made love together, to each other, freely and unconditionally. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Fiona smirked at him. "Yeah, for year's I've wanted to hear that. So what happened? It can't have been that bad that she left?"

"No, it was...wonderful...the most magical night of my life." Tommy could not suppress a grin. "But it wasn't just sex Fiona. Having Barbara in my arms made me feel alive in a way I never had before...but it was too good."

Fiona frowned and pressed him for more information. "Too good?"

"I couldn't handle the way I felt. I've never felt such love and the way her eyes flared to life when I told her how much I loved her..." He sighed heavily. "When Barbara finally called me Tommy and told me she loved me it was as if I'd been dipped in gold... it was perfect; one of those precious few moments in your life that stay in your heart forever."

"So what happened?"

"I panicked. In the morning when I woke I was holding her and she looked so radiant, so utterly beautiful and content. But I'm unworthy of her love. I looked at her and thought if I stay I'll destroy the most magnificent woman in creation so I left before she woke up. I went to Howenstowe and haven't seen her since." Tommy could not look at the woman beside him.

"You did what?" Fiona roared, her face betraying her shock and anger. "You don't think that she might have felt used? The poor lass's been head over heads in love with you for years and she finally has the courage to tell you and you just up and leave."

"I honestly didn't think that she'd react like that. I thought she'd know I was protecting her but she told Stuart I'd lied to her. She doesn't believe I meant it but it was more sincere than anything else I've ever told her."

Fiona looked at him as if she wanted to carve him up and feed him to pigs. "You make love to her, tell her you love her, hear her tell you the same then you disappear from her bed and run away to Cornwall. No wonder she was upset. Did you speak to her before you went to Cornwall?"

Tommy shook his head. "No, I went that morning. I left her a note."

"Should I even ask?"

"Probably not. I said 'sorry but I can't do this, I can't drag you into my life'."

"Oh Tommy! Poor Barbara. She must be devastated."


	3. Chapter 3

The drive to the coast seemed interminable. Tommy had known leaving Barbara would hurt her but until he saw the horror on Fiona's face he had believed he had done the honourable thing and that Barbara would forgive him once he explained. It had seemed so logical to him. He was prepared to give up the most precious love in the world to protect her from his failings, to stop her being crushed by him. He had not foreseen that in doing so he had caused exactly the consequences he feared most. He hit his steering wheel right on the purpling welt that had developed on his hand. He grimaced as the pain shot up his arm and into his shoulder.

Fiona had accused him of being heartless and selfish; thinking only of his needs when he should have looked at everything from Barbara's viewpoint. Stuart, Winston, Fiona and even Hillier seemed to have been waiting for them to get together. Barbara it seemed had been in love with him for a very long time and everyone thought he returned her feelings. He had spent years believing their connection was a different type of love; a nobler, truer love not one build on passion. He had fought hard so many times not to change it, to be true to their friendship, to not pull her to him and kiss her senseless. He had tried to explain that to Fiona but her reply made him understand how much of fool he had been. "They're not mutually exclusive you idiot. Most people would kill to have both passion and a shared soul."

"Shared soul," he murmured as he turned off the main road onto the winding road down to the marshy coast. The idea buoyed him slightly. If that were true then he would find her. He just had to feel what she felt then he would know.

From the first second her saw her on the night of the ball he had known he loved her in all ways. He could no longer pretend he did not want her physically. He ached for her look, her smile, her touch, and when she cautiously bit her lip asking for his approval he had told her she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He had meant every word. She was wearing a conservative yet sexy green gown. She had had her hair styled and even had a little makeup on. She shone like a thousand suns and he could not pretend his feelings were pure. He had wanted to make love to her forever.

He had proudly paraded her on his arm all night. His smile had made his cheeks burn with the strain. He had glared threateningly at any man who even looked like they might ask her to dance. Stuart, of course, had actually attempted the futile task but had been turned down with a sternly possessive, "she's my partner Stuart. She dances with me." He remembered the expression on her face. She was amused and flattered but she had looked at him as if he were the only man she could have take her in his arms on the dance-floor - or anywhere. He had taken her hand and held it firmly the remainder of the ball. That look had sealed their fate.

Now he sat in the carpark above the small town. The sea was flat and miserable and no one was walking on the pier that was being swept by a bitter wind. Very few cars were in the carpark of the caravan park and most of the cramped, rectangular boxes were closed up with their blinds drawn. He hoped she was here but he could not sense her. She had been happy here once and he had enjoyed watching her singing and reminiscing but he knew instinctively that this was the last place she would come. He felt he was starting to tap into their shared soul.

Despite his reservations he checked every van in the park. He showed her photograph to everyone he found. He looked for the children. They had eyes like hawks and the younger ones always tried to help while the teenagers would ask for a pound to tell what they knew. No one had seen her and there was no hint of her having been here. Crestfallen but not beaten he climbed in his car and drove towards Balford-le-Nez.

All he could think about was the first time they had kissed. He had expected it to be awkward and strange but instead it was natural and free-flowing. At the ball they had danced so much they needed a break. Tommy had taken her into the courtyard for some air. When Barbara had looked up at the stars one shot across the sky. He followed her eye. "You know what that means," he had whispered to her, "you have to let me kiss you." She had tilted her head towards him and he had greedily crushed his lips to hers. Urgent and eager she had returned his kiss tenfold. To this day Tommy did not know if the fireworks were in his head or the finale to the ball but he had been totally lost in the loving need for him that was conveyed by her lips.

He could not recall how they had found a cab. All he could remember was sitting in the back kissing hungrily. He remembered giving the driver an overly generous tip and her fumbling for her keys. They had slowly peeled their outer clothes from each other as they made their way to her bed. It was strewn with discarded clothing and underwear from when she was dressing. Tommy had picked up the top sheets and torn them and the detritus of her preparations from it. She had pushed him onto the bed with a smile and then they had unleashed years of desire and passion in a glorious frenzy. As he held her afterwards he had told her that he loved her and promised he would love her forever. She had called him Tommy and then shown him how soulmates make love. Nothing had prepared him for the gentleness and strength of her affection when she gifted her essence to him. Her love had torn him apart in the most rapturous way then soothed away all his pain with her steadfast loyalty and complete devotion.

He pulled over to the side of the road. The enormity of his betrayal in leaving her began to crush him. He loosened his collar trying to breathe. He had convinced himself that he was being noble and self-sacrificing but in truth the intensity of Barbara's love scared him. He had craved such love for years but when faced with it he had run. He had been right about not being worthy but he had been wrong to leave. Barbara's love was all the strength he needed. All he had to do was love her honestly. He had to find her. He had to beg her forgiveness and hope that in time she could trust him enough to love him again the way she had that night.

An hour later he pulled into Balford-le-Nez. The town was equally quiet but it was a bigger area to search. He started with the hotel where they had stayed and moved in slow circles outwards from there. He tried the shopkeepers and banks and all the places people might regularly use but no one had seen her. He did not believe she had been there yet he walked for miles knocking randomly on doors and showing people on the street her photo hoping that he may get a lead.

It was dark by the time he reached London. The vibrant city with its lights and traffic and noise felt as empty as anywhere else he had been today. Barbara was not here. He was sure he would feel it if she were near. Despite that he needed to find a clue to where she might have gone. He visited all their usual pubs, especially the ones they went to when they wanted to ensure it was just the two of them. None of the bar staff had seen her.

"I never thought she'd leave you," the barmaid at their usual watering hole told him, "she fancied ya too much and the way ya used to look at her when ya didn't think she'd see. Whoa! I always thought you two must have been hot in the cot."

Tommy felt his face darken, partly in anger but mostly in mortification. "Well if you see her tell her I need to see her urgently."

"That's it? She walks out and you're traipsing all over London looking for her and all you can say is I need to see you urgently?" Tommy's face contorted in confusion. "I'll tell her ya what love, if she comes in I'll tell her ya were frantic and said to say that you're desperately sorry and love her more than any man ever loved a woman. Then she might think about contactin' ya."

Tommy smiled and shook his head. "And that would be the truth."

* * *

It was almost a week before Barbara sensed that Tommy was back. She had dreamt of him holding her and had woken hoping it was true. Her bed was empty but she felt more at peace with the world. After a lazy shower and steaming hot chocolate she grabbed her coat and binoculars and climbed the hill. Sure enough on Howenstowe's stone drive she caught glimpses of his car. She scanned the property and caught her breath. Tommy was on his fine chestnut horse riding up to the cliffs. His demeanour had changed. He was sitting straighter and seemed to have purpose. She was torn between delight that he was better and disappointment that he was not suffering without her in the way he had mourned Helen. She watched him stop and survey the sea before looking around him. Briefly he looked directly at her and a sob escaped her throat. She still hated his lack of faith in himself, and in her, but she still loved him. Seeing him only made it harder not to drive down there and wait for him. But she had decided to leave, to give him space but she wondered if he realised what he had given away.

She watched him ride over the hill then stood to walk back to the cottage. She felt faint and had to kneel to steady herself. She took deep breaths to steady her racing heart. It was the third similar attack this week. She assumed the stress was affecting her more than she had believed.

* * *

Lynley let his horse have his head. The horse liked to run and Tommy enjoyed the freedom of not quite being in control. He had wandered London fruitlessly for five days but Barbara did not want to be located. Yesterday he had found himself on the hill, sitting on the same bench he had been on when she had found him after Helen's funeral. He half expected her to walk up and sit down and ask him if he was ready for the world yet. He searched the bench in case she had left a note but it was free of everything except carved lovehearts and stale chewing gum. Oddly though sitting there looking out he had sensed Barbara for the first time. She wanted him to go back to Cornwall. Riding the cliffs and being there would fee his mind of distractions and allow the answer to come to him. For the first time in days he felt confident he would see her again.

On the ride he had felt he was being guided. Barbara was out there and she would reveal herself to him when the time was right. "Just let it be soon."

His mother was in the kitchen when he came in from the stables. "You look a little better Tommy. The ride did you good. I've asked Trevor Carsten over this morning. We need to look over the books."

Tommy groaned at the distraction. Here he was trying to free his mind and his mother had set up meetings with the new estate manager. "Very well but I want to sit on the cliff this afternoon and see if I can tune into Barbara."

"Is she sending you radio signals now?"

"Don't be sarcastic Mother. You know this is not Barbara's doing. I think if I can clear my mind I will know where to look. I'll have my shower before Carsten arrives."

His mother stood and took his hand. "I'm sorry Tommy. I can see how this has affected you. If she will make you happy then I hope you find her quickly."

Carsten was a nervous chap. Thin and balding he reminded Tommy of Johann, the museum archivist at the Victoria and Albert. He wondered idly if the man had a row of coloured pens neatly arranged in his top pocket.

"So you will see Lord Asherton, Lady Asherton, we have made a larger than predicted return in investment in the last quarter."

Tommy ran his eye down the spreadsheet columns. "Impressive. Did we raise rents?"

"No Sir. The conversions on the six vacation cottages across the estate had been completed. We are renting those out quite successfully for short breaks. The Trent cottage has been leased twice for a month each time and the old Hailbury cottage has been leased for six months."

"Good, diversifying into tourism has been good. Barbara suggested that...six months?" Tommy sat up in his chair. "Who has it been leased to?"

Johann flipped through his records as Tommy looked on anxiously. "A woman. The agents's notes say she has recently broken up with her long-term partner and is taking a break to write her memoirs."

Tommy frowned at the last part. He had enough trouble getting Barbara to write her reports, let alone her memoirs. It was a very slim chance that the woman was Barbara but only she would be so blazon as to hide on his own property. "Name! What's her name?" he demanded.

"Says here her name is...ah, yes here it is. Helen. Helen Clyde. Is that name familiar?"

"Go to her Tommy," his mother ordered, "and do whatever it takes for you to both be happy."


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy slipped on his coat then stood at the door debating whether to ride or drive. The car might give Barbara warning and she might hide from him but if he took Mysterious Lady then he would have to worry about unsaddling her and taking a blanket for the night. Tommy had no intention of returning without Barbara no matter how long it took him.

In the end he walked up to the cottage. It was only two miles and it gave him time to arrange his thoughts. Barbara was an enigma but even for her, moving into his cottage and taking Helen's name was the last thing he would have expected. She had wanted him to find her and that buoyed his spirits but she had also wanted him to know how much he had hurt her. As he walked he tried to fathom what was going through her mind. As her lover he imagined her wanting to be close to him, pining for him and hoping he would ride up, fall at her feet and beg forgiveness. As her friend he could see her keeping a protective eye on him; hoping he came to his senses and would turn up on her doorstep to confess his sins and find solace with his best mate. As a detective he could envisage her as a woman scorned, drawing him into her trap and intending to kill him. He stopped walking.

He could not just storm up there and expect her to tumble into his arms. He squatted on his haunches looking out towards the sea while he thought about what to say. A thousand scenarios flashed through his mind but in the end it would depend entirely on Barbara. She would not stand listening to a prepared speech. Their conversation would be organic and for him, he assumed, painful. He deserved everything she might throw at him, literally and figuratively. He regretted much in his life but leaving her bed was perhaps his worst sin. He had paid dearly for it this week but that anguish was nothing in comparison to the pain he imagined Barbara wanted to inflict.

With a heavy sigh he continued his trek, unaware that Barbara was watching every step through her binoculars. She had not intended to spy on him but knowing he was home she could not resist checking every now and again. She had found a new vantage point slightly below the cottage that gave her a much better view of his driveway. She had seen him standing indecisively at his door. She had studied him as he began walking towards her. Her heart began to race. At first she was not certain that he was coming for her but as he climbed over two fences in a straight line to the cottage his intentions were revealed.

It seemed ludicrous given where she was staying but she was not sure if she was ready to talk to him yet. Her anger had dulled to almost nothing but she was still smarting from his thoughtlessness. Somedays she hated him; others she loved him beyond words. Today she felt both in almost equal measure. It had taken her years to be brave enough to be intimate with him and he had not even let her wake up in his arms. She had felt used, like an unpaid whore, with his false promises of love. She could not just crumble and beg him to take her back. She had her pride.

She wanted him to suffer for the way he had made her feel and yet underneath everything else she wanted her best friend to hold her. She wanted him to tell her he loved her like he had that night. Tears welled in her eyes and began to dribble down her cheeks. She swore at herself for being weak then returned to the sanctuary of the cottage to wait, still not knowing if they were tears of anger, joy or sadness.

Nearly twenty minutes later Tommy straightened his jacket, ran his fingers loosely through his hair and knocked nervously on the blue door. Although he was ninety-nine percent sure Barbara was inside it might just be an uncanny coincidence. No one answered so he knocked again, this time a little more forcefully. An old red sedan was parked behind the cottage so unless she was out walking Barbara was inside.

"Barbara, it's me, Tommy. Please open the door." There was still no response. "You do know that as your Landlord I have every right to break down your door if I think you're in danger or you are endangering the property. I will exercise that right if you don't open this door."

Barbara listened to him playing lord of the manor and snapped. "Go away Lord Asherton. Your rent is paid and I don't want to talk to you, now or ever," she shouted at the door. She was huddled into the chair under the window with her knees drawn up to her chest.

Tommy was relieved to finally hear her voice. "Oh Barbara! I'm so happy to find you. Let me in please."

His tone was caring and it tugged hard on her heart. "No! I repeat I do not want to see you."

He could hear that the fight in her voice was forced. "We both know that's not true Barbara," he said patiently, "if you never wanted to see me you would have disappeared where I would never look. You rented a house on my estate using Helen's name so I would instantly know it was you..."

"It was to hurt you," she shouted, "so you remembered what it was like to be abandoned by the person you love!" Even as she said it she regretted it. That had been a cruel thing to say to a widower. "When she left you, not when she died," she add contritely.

"I know. I understood that as soon as I was told the name. I don't blame you for being angry. I understand that but even so you do want to see me."

"Arrogant bastard!"

"Barbara are we going to stand hurling insults through the door like this or are you going to let me in? I'm not leaving until we talk properly."

He heard footsteps pad to the door. The lock unlatched and the steps retreated. Cautiously he opened the door waiting to intercept a missile hurled at him. Nothing flew and he stepped inside. Barbara sat curled into a ball in the large chair. She was wearing faded jeans and an oversized jumper that would have suited his horse. A stack of unread novels was piled on the floor beside her and a large tartan blanket was balled into a pillow on the couch.

The silence was awkward so he moved the blanket and sat on the couch and waited for her to speak. "Stop staring at me!" she finally managed.

Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked forlorn and scared. Guilt filled him, competing with his need to just hold her. "I know you won't believe me right now Barbara but you look beautiful and I love you more than ever."

Barbara looked up at him with blazing eyes and an expression he recognised as dangerous. "Love! You talk of love. If you cared that damned much why did you run away? You broke me Tommy. I shared everything with you and you ran. I couldn't have given you any more of me and yet it wasn't enough."

Tommy slid onto the floor in front of her. He attempted to take her hand but she tucked her fists into her armpits. "It was! It was enough," he protested.

"Crap. I follow evidence and here it says - he left! Do you have any idea what it's like to have someone leave you like that?"

Tommy lowered his head. "I have an idea."

"And you know what? It wouldn't have mattered if you'd changed your mind about us. You just had to have the courage to stay until morning and tell me. It was easy. 'Sorry Barbara, in the cold, hard light of day I just don't love you the way I thought I did.' Anything but just leaving!"

Tommy searched for the right words. "I'm so sorry Barbara. I've replayed it a thousand times in my head. I don't even know why I left. The way I felt. It was raw and so, so powerful. It scared me that I could live you that much. I kept thinking that I'd lose it, that I'd lose you. If I stayed and you'd left me I could never have coped. I...was overwhelmed."

"I can never leave you. You're part of me you idiot! All your life you've been searching for someone who could love you the same way you love and then you tell me it's too much! I don't believe you at times! You want someone who loves you less? Well the world is full of them. Take your bloody pick."

"I want you Barbara. I need you. That night...you touched me somewhere no one had ever reached. I had never felt the way you made me feel. I don't even have the words to describe it. But it was so intense and you were so beautiful lying there in my arms...you were so trusting...I knew

I would let you down, I would disappoint you, if not that day then another day. I couldn't do that to you and I couldn't face your disappointment in me so I left. I thought it would be easier."

"Easier? You did more than disappoint me. You didn't stop to think that you weren't the only one who found truth that night did you? I was scared too but I was prepared for that. I was willing to try just to keep that; just to have you love me."

"I'm sorry, so very, very sorry."

"I'm sure you are but saying that won't change it Tommy. You ran! You ran like a cowardly dog back to your precious estate. You even left a note saying you didn't want to drag me into your life. Well guess what? I am already in your life. I have been for years one way or another. I get that I'm not suitable material for your wife but did I ask for that? No! All I wanted was love Tommy, your love, for as long as I could hold it. Somehow though I thought it would be more than six hours!"

Tommy knew he deserved every word and more. "I agree with you, totally. I'm a fool. I want you to forgive me. I want to go back to exactly that moment when I had you in my arms but we can't, all we can do is go forward. I want us to do that together, as a couple. You are more than worthy to be my wife and one day I want that but now I just want you to let me try to make it up to you."

"Some things Tommy, are beyond forgiveness."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note:** because you all want a happy ending...

* * *

"But's there's nothing beyond love Barbara. I love you and you love me. No amount of anger or disappointment can change that."

Barbara looked at him through tear-filled eyes. "Don't Tommy. Please."

"We can make it Barbara. Just trust our love."

He looked so sincere as he knelt in front of her; imperfect, flawed; the same man she had fallen in love with all those years ago and still loved desperately. To add insult he was always able to wind her around his finger with his deep voice and puppy-like eyes. She closed her eyes against the power of his smooth words. "Words are cheap. I gave you time to tell me this Tommy. I waited. It's too late to realise what you'd lost after I left."

Tommy pulled his phone from his pocket. "Ring your voicemail. I left messages for you before I knew you had resigned. Just listen then judge."

"How, it's not my phone?"

Tommy dialled then passed her the phone. "Just key in your phone number and PIN."

Barbara's hands were shaking as she took the phone. Her mailbox was full. She listened carefully as ninety-nine messages from Tommy were played. They started off with apologies and asking her to call and became increasingly frantic. Tommy was pleading with her, begging her to forgive him; telling her how much he loved her. Promising to drive back to London, offering for her to meet him anywhere. She watched him as she listened. She could see all his insecurities and fears etched into his face. It was hard not to fall into his arms but he was not getting off that lightly. He had to understand.

Two messages affected her deeply and her will vacillated.

 _I don't expect you to forgive me today, this week, maybe even this year but if we just focus on loving each other then we can survive. We need each other Barbara. We have since the day we met but more so now. I'm a terrible person at times but you make me a better man. You're my heart Barbara, without you I'm just a shell. I want..._

 _The message cut off, sorry. I want us to be together always Barbara. I've thought through all my issues and I promise I will never leave your bed again. I will ask you properly when the time's right but I want us to get married._

Barbara handed back his phone and pushed him away. "I'm surprised you were sober."

Her words stung and Tommy scowled. "I deserve that but no, I was down here thinking, not wallowing in self-pity. I wanted to find a way to make sense of everything. It's something we should have done together."

"Yes. Yes it was." Barbara stood up and felt her legs sag. "Tom..."

"Barbara!" It was a reflex to catch her. He lowered her gently to the couch and raised her legs. "Barbara?"

By the time she came around Tommy kneeling in front of her. He was on the phone to Nanrunnel's doctor. "No, she's coming around now. Are you okay?"

Barbara nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

"Yes George, thank you. No, no I'll wait with her." He hung up. "That was the local doctor. He'll be here in about ten minutes."

Barbara looked around. "What happened?"

"You passed out when you stood up. Has it happened before?"

"I've felt light-headed a few times but I haven't fainted before."

"I'll make some tea. Have you been eating properly?"

"I haven't been hungry. I can't really face food. I've had hot chocolate and macaroni and cheese mainly."

Tommy looked aghast. "No wonder you're weak. You have to look after yourself Barbara."

"It's your fault!"

Tommy took her hand and kissed it. "I know. I'm sorry I've done this to you. I had no idea it would hurt you like this and I would give anything to take it back."

"I know. You can't help being an insensitive, self-centred idiot."

For the first time there was affection in her tone and Tommy grinned at her. "I love you." He bent forward to kiss her. She turned her face so that he could only kiss her cheek but letting him touch her was a start.

"You promised me tea."

Barbara was sitting sipping her hot drink when the doctor arrived. He asked some questions and did a preliminary check. "I think it's probably nothing more than poor attention to your diet and stress but I'd like to examine you a bit more and take some blood samples; do a urine test."

"Of course George, give her a thorough check please. It's unusual for Barbara and I'm concerned." Tommy continued to sit in the chair.

"Perhaps Tommy if you waited outside?"

"Oh, sorry. Yes of course. I won't leave Barbara. I'll be right outside if you need me." Tommy backed his way to the door.

"So young lady, let's have a look at you."

Ten minutes later George let Tommy back in. He went and sat beside Barbara. She still looked pale. "Right," the doctor said, "well the blood test results should come through in a few days. As I said I don't think it is anything serious. Oh, I almost forgot."

The doctor unscrewed the yellow lid of the sample bottle and dipped in three test strips. Tommy saw Barbara's face flush with colour. "Don't be embarrassed," he whispered as he put his arm around her shoulder. He was pleased that she made no attempt to shrug him off. He just wished George would hurry up so he could start trying to repair their relationship.

"Good! No sugar, no blood, and...oh!" Barbara and Tommy looked at each other with alarm. "Well I think we have the problem solved. Congratulations Ms Havers, it seems you are pregnant."

Barbara fainted against Tommy's chest. George swung her around and elevated her legs. "Get some water Tommy. I think the news was a shock. I presume..."

"Yes, yes it's mine." Tommy rushed to the sink and brought back the water. Barbara began to groan as consciousness returned. She gulped the water down but was not able to look at either man.

"Ms Havers, I'm sorry. Most women have some inkling. But it explains the poor appetite, the fainting."

"I thought...I thought it was just stress," she stammered, "sometimes if I'm stressed I run late. I never thought..."

George turned to Tommy and raised his eyebrows. "Seems you never thought either at some stage if this is such a shock. I'll leave now. Bring Barbara in to my office next week and we'll go through everything. In the meantime I think you two have things to discuss."

Tommy saw George to the door then returned and knelt by Barbara. "Do you want to talk about it now?" he asked softly. Barbara shook her head savagely. "I think you should get some rest. Come on."

Tommy guided her to the bedroom ensuring he had his arm around her in case she fainted again. The bed was made and as he pulled back the covers he doubted she had slept in it. It squeaked as she sat and he grinned at her. Her face reddened and he knew their thoughts were aligned. He slipped off her shoes and socks and she lay back. "Jeans?"

She nodded and undid the zipper allowing him to pull them off. He folded them and stacked them neatly on the dresser making sure that he did not look above her knees. He pulled up the cover. "You'll get too hot in this," he said pulling off her jumper. "Oh sorry." It was only as he pulled it up that he realised she had nothing on beneath it. He hurriedly tried to pull it back down.

Barbara started to laugh then pushed the jumper over her head and pulled up the quilt. "I think the damage is already done don't you?" It felt good to have him with her being so gentlemanly and caring.

Tommy kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed beside her. "It's not damage," he said tenderly. "We have always been better together and now we have passed on a piece of ourselves and created someone who embodies that union. How can anyone conceived in a moment of such openness and love ever be considered damage?"

Barbara began to cry in deep wracking sobs that tore at Tommy's heart. He understood it was about everything that had happened not just the baby. He wanted to tell her not to cry but he knew she needed it. He swung his legs up on the bed, pulled her into a bearhug and buried his face in her hair. The tears that soaked his shirt burnt like acid knowing he had caused her such pain. "I'm sorry Barbara."

"Bastard!" she yelled as she hit him with her fist, angered that he could make her need him again so easily. Strong arms held her steady and slowly the rage inside her ebbed. Her hair felt damp and she knew he was crying too. Finally he seemed to understand. She exhaled slowly. "Don't you ever leave me again."

"I won't I promise."

Barbara looked up at him. "Was it real? Can we really love each other like that?"

"Hmm, we do," he crooned as he stroked her face, "now just relax and sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

When they finally stirred it was dark. Tommy glanced at his watch and noticed they had been sleep for several hours. He thought they should eat but he could not be bothered moving. Barbra shifted in his arms and yawned. "Oh, you are still here," she said sarcastically. Tommy knew he was not yet completely forgiven and he was pleased. It would give him a chance to prove himself.

"Yes, I'm here." He kissed her forehead.

"Good."

Tommy smiled then tenderly kissed her face slowly working a path to her lips. "Let me show you how real this is Barbara." She grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer.

* * *

It was three days before they ventured outside the cottage. Barbara had phoned Stuart and Winston and let them know she was safe and with Tommy. "No Stuart I didn't. It was tempting but I rather like his anatomy arranged the way it is...Stuart!"

Tommy had spoken to his mother but they had decided to wait before they mentioned the baby. Much to Barbara's amusement she had sent up a bag of clothes and toiletries with a rather embarrassed housemaid that included a large packets of condoms. "I don't think she will take the news well," she mused.

"Oh I think she'll be delighted...after she comes to." Tommy cuddled Barbara from behind and began nibbling on her ear.

"What if I'm a lousy mother? I don't know anything about posh kids."

"I think you'll find most babies are unaware of their socio-economic status at birth. Besides you're great with kids, you'll be a wonderful mother. It's their father they have to worry about."

"They?"

"Hmm, I'm thinking four at least."

She wriggled around to face him. She could see they concern beneath his smile. "You will be a wonderful father Tommy," she assured him as she reached up and pushed a lock of hair from his forehead.

"I will, with you to keep me in line before I ruin..." Barbara silenced him with a passionate kiss.

An hour later Tommy was waiting for her at the door. "Come on Barbara hurry up. We need to find out all about your nutritional needs, and what tests we have to have done. Of course we will have to transfer you onto my medical benefits and take out appropriate insurance and..."

"Tommy! Enough. Stop fussing. I'm only pregnant, not embarking on a three year trip to Pluto."

"It would take longer than that but point taken. I'm sorry but I'm excited and worried and you've been so tired."

"Any wonder? I'm surprised I got any sleep at all with you."

Tommy grinned at her. "You enjoyed every minute."

"Yeah, I did."

"So have you forgiven me?"

"Enough to execute your formal agreement if you like."

Tommy frowned knowing he had to correctly guess which of his six ideas she favoured. "Right..." he said slowly, buying time. He watched the eyes sparkle and the corners of her mouth twitch as she tried to keep a straight face. "Marriage! You're saying yes!"

Barbara nodded, "on one condition."

Tommy already had her in his arms. "Hmm."

"We are not calling him Algernon if it's a boy."

His ploy had worked. "What about Augustus?" he said before he kissed her. "Or Octavius?"


End file.
